Life As It Is

2010-02-10T09:10:00.001-08:00

I was a writer once, in a past life. I was some kind of artist, sketching and jotting ideas on scraps and jamming them in a backpack to sort through in editing. I used to think myself a romantic, and envision some level of success at conjuring and relaying sentiment that could deeply effect people and somehow alter the course of life. I'm not that guy anymore. I hardly find the need to elaborate, and frequently barely communicate, as there is no longer any need within me to validate who or what I am. I'm happy-ish. Happy enough, anyway; happier than most, happier than I ever expected to be. I have a wife and son, rent a decent condo and have adequate means. I work behind the scenes on a TV show that gives me steady work I'm good at. I can do my job from anywhere with reasonably flexible hours. My years of cafes and bookstores are long gone, but I still count my blessings every time I wait in a retail line or go out to eat--especially around holidays. I won't be hugely disappointed if I've peaked, if I just maintain where I am now. I no longer want to be famous; I'm close enough to Hollywood to know I don't want to be any closer. I no longer admire anyone in the public eye. My hero now is my brother. Not the one who went crazy, the other one. The one with the big happy family, who works hard to provide so he can go home each day to a great life. The one who "grew his kids God's way", who sings in the church choir and posts his photos in protected albums online so friends and family can share in his happiness. I like my life. I like that my wife can stay home and be a mom; I like that she wants that. I like coming home to that, and living with it and not having to write about it. It's enough to just bask in what I have. I don't need anything else.

I used to be young and think I had a lot to accomplish so I could enjoy life later. Instead, I got old while pursuing it, and found it really didn't matter. I didn't need what I thought to be happy or enjoy life. Nothing would have made me feel more worthwhile than when my wife wraps her arms around me or my baby smiles when I walk in the room. I'm annoyed by teens and twenty-somethings now. I have no interest in being their idol. I don't even care if they like me or notice when I'm around. I'm whole; I don't care what half-people think. I still write sometimes, when there's a lyric or point I just can't get out of my head any other way. And when I write now, I think it's better than anything I wrote when I was trying to be a writer. It flows from excess now, so it doesn't take any extra time or effort. It just happens. I am what I am, and don't care to be anything else.

Muddle of a Modern MISCfit: A GrimMISCommunique

Life As It Is